Opinions
by Soggyfrenchfries
Summary: Ulquiorra and Ichigo argue over which of them Orihime belongs with, until being interrupted by a fangirl. Oneshot, crack.


A/N: Ulquiorra and Ichigo argue over who Orihime belongs with, until being interrupted by a fangirl.

Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach or the characters.

**Opinions**

_XxXxXx_

"Ulquiorra! I challenge you!"

"Quiet, Kurosaki Ichigo. I was in the middle of a very interesting talk." Ulquiorra turns back to Orihime, listening to her explain the intricacies of the heart.

"Don't talk to him, Inoue! He's dangerous!"

Orihime smiled. "I'm not afraid."

"Ulquiorra! Step away from her!"

The espada turned slowly to face him. "Now I know what this is about. This woman here-" He nods towards Orihime- "Has your heart in her hands, doesn't she?"

"My heart?"

"Silence, Kurosaki Ichigo. Your ever-scowling face and irritable personality will never attract Inoue Orihime."

"Yeah, well, at least I don't have a freaking hole!" Ichigo shouted.

Ulquiorra's eyebrow twitched. "Kurosaki Ichigo. . . Do you not posses a hole?"

Ichigo stared, dumfounded. His horror knew no bounds when a giggle escaped Orihime's lips.

XxXxX

"What about you? You're already DEAD!"

"True, though perhaps Kubo-sama might bring me back, since I was such a popular character."

"Ehh? No way would he do that! He isn't. . .He isn't the guy who wrote Fairy Tail*, you know! Besides, I'm the main character! I deserve her more!"

"Undoubtedly Kurosaki Ichigo is the main character. However, Inoue Orihime is not the female lead. One might argue that you belong with Kuchiki Rukia. . . ."

"Oi! Theres nothing going on with me and Rukia!"

"Only because Abarai Renji beat you to it."

"AAAAH! WHERE THE HELL DO YOU GET THIS INFORMATION FROM?"

"I happen to read a weekly magazine known as Shonen Jump. There is one serialization that particularly interests me. It's known as-"

"Shut up! Don't believe him, Inoue! You're the only one I want!"

"Inoue Orihime has chosen me, as proved when she reached out to me before my untimely yet extremely popular death."

"It was the death scene that was popular, not you..."

"Silence, Kurosaki Ichigo. Now, there is also the issue that you hair color clashes with hers-"

"Better than being a green-teared jerk like you-"

"Our fandom is larger by far."

Ichigo stopped. "How the fuck do you know that?"

"I happen to frequent a website known as-"

"I don't want to hear it! It's all because of Stockholm Syndrome, dammit..."

"Besides, Kurosaki Ichigo has also been paired off with numerous other candidates."

Orihime gulped and looked downcast. "It's true," she muttered.

"Inoue! Don't! It's only you! It's always been only you! You have to know that!"

Meanwhile, Ulquiorra was counting on his fingers. "Kuchiki Rukia, Senna, Arisawa Tatsuki-" He stopped, and Ichigo breathed a sigh of relief until. . .

"Do the men count? Of course they do. Kuchiki Byakuya, Abarai Renji, Ishida Uryu, Hitsugaya Toshiro-"

"DON'T!" Ichigo bellowed. "Inoue's been paired off with other people too, right?"

"Yes. Like myself."

"HEY! There are other people too- There's Ishida, and Chad and- Wait. I'm the one she should be with! The others don't matter!"

"Her most popular pairing remains with me."

"NO! THATS-"

"STOP!"

Soggyfrenchfries enters the scene. With a triple flip she lands perfectly on the ground, between the two warring men.

Flipping her dark hair over her shoulder, she scowled.

"Look at you two! Acting like a couple of babies! If the fangirls saw you like this-"

"Fangirls?" Ichigo shudders. "Those crazy chicks. . . Not one of them gets me right. . . Either I'm this lovesick wimp, or I'm a sex crazed monster who pushes Inoue into closets. . . "

"You also take her in classrooms, but that's not my point-"

"Who are you?" Ulquiorra stares down the newcomer with his emerald-green eyes. Green eyes bore into brown ones and Soggyfrenchfries felt her knees go weak.

"Ugh. . .Don't try that on me. . ."

"What are you talking about? I hope that you're one of the interesting humans."

"SHUT UP! I don't even like you! I only see you as a way to get Ichigo jealous and thus make him realize his feelings for Orihime!"

"Fangirl. . . ." Ichigo groaned.

"Yes!" Soggyfrenchfries pointed at Ichigo. "I am! And I am about to tell you why Ichihime wins over Ulquihime!"

Ichigo's manner becomes a little less antagonistic. "Yeah, I'm listening," he said, a little thrown off.

"No one asked for your opinion," Ulquiorra stated, his eyes glaring daggers at Soggyfrenchfires.

"Shut it! Anyway, the reason Ichihime beats every single pairing is. . . ." She pauses, and Ichigo leans closer in anticipation.

Ulquiorra glances away, but his ears remain alert and keen.

Orihime, already cherry red, covers her face with her hands.

"It has no rival in that area. . . . All other pairings fall short. . . It is our, Ichihime fans' greatest advantage. . . "

Ichigo is getting impatient. "Get on with it already," He grumbled, but not loud enough for Soggyfrenchfries to hear.

Soggyfrenchfries grins evilly. "Ichihime smut!"

Ichigo made a strangled sound and fell down.

Orihime squeaked loudly, before burying her face deeper into her hands.

Only Ulquiorra's expression remained unchanged, but thoughtful. . . .

"It is hot! It is romantic! It is super sexy!" Soggyfrenchfries announced loudly. "The union of two perfect bodies and persons. . . . It is absolutely addicting and unrivalled!"

A quiet voice interrupted her rant.

"You are underestimating my skills in bed, woman."

_XxXxXxXx_

A/N: Took me a few minutes to write this, so. . . . Don't be too harsh, alright?

If you're looking for some _real_ Ichihime, check out my other fics, particularly **Words** if you like steamy fics.

Review, please!


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